If its a dirty joke chances are I will like it. But save it for the ice.
* 5 minutes later*
Every joke I know has potential to offend sum 1. Most suitable one I have is funny but I bet there is a scottish sheep farmer on the board lurking somewhere.
Yawn, got a joke
Yawn, got a joke
Well not many reports going up on here, every time i check its the same old stuff. Anybody have any good jokes so we can get a good chuckle.
If its a dirty joke chances are I will like it. But save it for the ice.
* 5 minutes later*
Every joke I know has potential to offend sum 1. Most suitable one I have is funny but I bet there is a scottish sheep farmer on the board lurking somewhere.
If its a dirty joke chances are I will like it. But save it for the ice.
* 5 minutes later*
Every joke I know has potential to offend sum 1. Most suitable one I have is funny but I bet there is a scottish sheep farmer on the board lurking somewhere.
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger.
In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.
What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger,
who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on
his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's Tent
and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You
have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.
What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over
the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again
returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the
blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow.
"What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds,"I'd like to speak to my
horse....ALONE." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is
brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks
him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully, you dickhead, for
the last time.......... . BRING POSSE!!!!
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger.
In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.
What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger,
who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on
his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's Tent
and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You
have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.
What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over
the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again
returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the
blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow.
"What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds,"I'd like to speak to my
horse....ALONE." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is
brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks
him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully, you dickhead, for
the last time.......... . BRING POSSE!!!!
On Oldie, but a Goldie.
A Russian and an Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for
the Olympic Gold medal match. Before the final match, the Newfie wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done
on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he
has, whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished!"
The Newfie nodded in acknowledgement. As the match started, the Newfie
and the Russian circled each other several times,looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward,grabbing the Newfie and wrapping him up
in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd
and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Newfoundlander collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, He asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me
in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."
"So,"the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off! " "Not really. You'd be
amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts."
A Russian and an Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for
the Olympic Gold medal match. Before the final match, the Newfie wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done
on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he
has, whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished!"
The Newfie nodded in acknowledgement. As the match started, the Newfie
and the Russian circled each other several times,looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward,grabbing the Newfie and wrapping him up
in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd
and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Newfoundlander collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, He asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me
in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."
"So,"the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off! " "Not really. You'd be
amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts."
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Bass Addict
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Clausewitz
- Participant
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- Contact:
Redneck Limo
Redneck Limo
OR:
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"
OR:
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"
<a href="http://www.fish-hawk.net/hawktalk/viewt ... 3375"><img src="http://www.fish-hawk.net/hawk-pic/info.gif"></a>
James
Adventure Partner
<i>Speak Softly and Carry a Big Fish</i>
James
Adventure Partner
<i>Speak Softly and Carry a Big Fish</i>
Not really a joke, but a good thing to keep in mind when having a bad day
When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson ~ Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer Quality Control Department at Johnson & Johnson."
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN THAN YOURS.
When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson ~ Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer Quality Control Department at Johnson & Johnson."
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN THAN YOURS.
Mrs. Peabody had been disappointed because her prized miniature schnauser could not place better than 3'rd or 4'th place in the dog shows.
It seemed there was some tufts of hair on the dog's toes that the judges considered as a fault.
She was speaking to the pharmacist about hair removal cream and he explained to her after you use this do not wear any leg warmers or high socks for a couple of days.
Mrs. Peabody responded oh no sir this is for my schnauser!
Oh the pharmacist said, then don't ride a bike for a few days
It seemed there was some tufts of hair on the dog's toes that the judges considered as a fault.
She was speaking to the pharmacist about hair removal cream and he explained to her after you use this do not wear any leg warmers or high socks for a couple of days.
Mrs. Peabody responded oh no sir this is for my schnauser!
Oh the pharmacist said, then don't ride a bike for a few days
Little red riding hood was skipping through the forest on the way to grandmothers house when she spotted a wolf hiding behind some bushes, she called out "my, what big ears you have"and the wolf ran away.
A little further on she sees the wolf crouching down behind an old tree stump and she calls out "my what big eyes you have", the wolf runs away again.
Further on down the trail she sees the wolf hiding behind some rocks and she calls out "my what big teeth you have", the wolf then jumps up and yells to her " WILL YOU **** OFF I'M TRYING TO TAKE A CRAP".
A little further on she sees the wolf crouching down behind an old tree stump and she calls out "my what big eyes you have", the wolf runs away again.
Further on down the trail she sees the wolf hiding behind some rocks and she calls out "my what big teeth you have", the wolf then jumps up and yells to her " WILL YOU **** OFF I'M TRYING TO TAKE A CRAP".
ok...
This little fellow found himself in front of the judge one day in a terrbile custody battle. The judge said to the boy clearly this is not good so I ask you if you could who would you rather live with your mom or your dad..
He thinks for a second and replys ... neither because they both beat me.. The judge in dismay says.. well then what about your grand parents.. Nope the boy says.. they beat me to... Oh my the judge said... well if you had a choice who would you like to live with..
He thinks for a minute and replys to the judge...
I THINK THE TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS BECAUSE THEY DON'T BEAT ANYBODY!
HAHAHAHAHHA
Priorguy!
This little fellow found himself in front of the judge one day in a terrbile custody battle. The judge said to the boy clearly this is not good so I ask you if you could who would you rather live with your mom or your dad..
He thinks for a second and replys ... neither because they both beat me.. The judge in dismay says.. well then what about your grand parents.. Nope the boy says.. they beat me to... Oh my the judge said... well if you had a choice who would you like to live with..
He thinks for a minute and replys to the judge...
I THINK THE TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS BECAUSE THEY DON'T BEAT ANYBODY!
HAHAHAHAHHA
Priorguy!
A pretty, young, blonde woman in Nova Scotia was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for.
We're off to Hawaii in the morning. If you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.
"Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her waist and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.
" The blonde nodded. What did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in the bowels of the ship. From then on, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of
fruit every night, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later, the blonde was discovered by the Captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" he asked.
I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained."I get food and a trip to Hawaii , and in return he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," said the Captain. "This is the Halifax- Dartmouth ferry."
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for.
We're off to Hawaii in the morning. If you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.
"Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her waist and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.
" The blonde nodded. What did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in the bowels of the ship. From then on, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of
fruit every night, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later, the blonde was discovered by the Captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" he asked.
I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained."I get food and a trip to Hawaii , and in return he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," said the Captain. "This is the Halifax- Dartmouth ferry."
